Is it Shame or Guilt?

I used to think that shame and guilt were essentially the same thing, but I have learned that they are something quite different, one adaptive and the other not at all useful.

Simply put, adaptive guilt is a constellation of emotions that arises with the awareness that we have not lived in accordance with our own deepest values. It tends to be very specific and carries the desire grow, change, correct, restore, and heal. Shame is a more sinister set of emotions that carry the desire berate oneself, to hide, and to disappear.

How do you feel toward yourself?

One sure way to tell if you are experiencing guilt or shame is to get curious about how you feel toward yourself. If you are experiencing adaptive guilt, you will know that your truest self is so much more loving, more noble, and more connected to others than the thoughts or behaviours activating the guilt. You know it is shame when find that your self worth is in question, your self-talk is harsh, and you do not trust yourself.

Toxic Shame

In its more extreme forms, shame becomes toxic and leaves one feeling devoid of worth, flawed, broken, damaged beyond repair, and without hope. This kind of shame has the power to keep you from experiencing the best parts of life as well as any prison cell.

In my personal life and my work with clients, I have become convinced that what people call feeling guilty is usually shame. Adaptive guilt tends to be experienced as desire and longing for depth and for change. It may include grief for the way we have lived. It points toward expansion and growth. Shame is different and leaves one feeling hopeless and without a direction.

Who is talking?

A second way to discern whether it is guilt or shame you are experiencing is to discern where the message comes from. If adaptive guilt arises from our truest and most authentic desires, then shame comes from opinions and expectations outside us, and often we can trace this shame to early experiences. Who among us cannot recall a time when we found ourselves in trouble, criticized, and humiliated, just for being ourselves? This is how shame begins. If we are feeling shame, it is time to become curious about where those messages come from. It may feel like they come from within us, but they probably do not.

Sit with the emotions.

A third way to tell of we are experiencing guilt or shame is the most important and it provides the way forward toward healing in any case. This way forward is to attend to the emotions that lie beneath the guilt or shame, one at a time. The key to relief is found here. This may seem like an overwhelming task, but guilt and shame are usually comprised of just a few categories of emotion which include supressed sadness, fear, anger, joy and excitement. It may seem like a little much to unravel these emotions on your own, and working with an emotions-centred therapist can be very helpful.

Can a little shame be helpful?

Some people refer to adaptive shame, but I personally take exception to this term. The argument usually involves discussing how reasonable amounts of shame are useful for social cohesion and the keep us from behaving in ways that cause disorder and hurt others. I have yet to think of a situation where shame could not be replaced by deeper and more noble motivators like love and kindness. For example, I have a love for fast cars. I am at my best when I choose not to speed because I do not want to hurt myself or anyone else, rather than simply fearing the wagging finger of a shaming police officer.

Shame has the power to keep you from your best and biggest life. Adaptive guilt wants to bring you to wholeness and renew your life. Not the same at all.